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Thursday, October 20, 2011

Bloody urine es no bueno!

Pink Lemonade Anyone?
I have urinated blood before. It had a light pink hue to it, but still concerned the shit out of me. Only positive of the situation was that I had a stabbing sensation in my back that progressively got worse, so I was pretty positive I was dealing with a kidney stone. The biggest concern, besides the blood coming out of my urethra, was that this stone was going to want to make an appearance, which would leave me in the worst pain imaginable. It was somewhat funny at first. I didn’t have my contacts in or my glasses on, but I was pretty sure the toilet water looked like pink lemonade. I came out of the bathroom and informed my wife, while on the way to retrieve my glasses that I was probably going to have to go to the hospital. After further inspection, it was certain; I was making a trip to the ER. I got to the ER and was in pretty agonizing pain, actually I was about a 7 out of 10 on the hospital scale. More discomfort than actual pain at that time. They took me back to a room, and after taking a urine sample, this nice lady came in with her friend Demerol. She loaded me up with a dose of this Heaven juice and I morphed into the happiest son of a bitch on the planet. Long story short, 4 hours later when I got home, I didn’t want to go to bed because I was in such a stellar mood. I see why Demerol was one of the King of Pops favorite hobbies.
Mmm, Demerol!

I did the required check up with the Urologist a week later, he informed me that the very tiny stone that had caused me all the discomfort was passed, but I had a stone in my kidney, just hanging out, and it was 3 times bigger than the one I had just dealt with. Being frightened that this stone would do the same as the other, he lined me up to have a surgical procedure known as Lithotripsy. It’s basically lying on a table and having lasers break the stone up so you can pass it in tiny little fragments. I found out the day before the surgery that I was going to have to be put to sleep, which I was not very excited about. I have had a phobia of anesthesia since I was a little guy. They talked me into it and the procedure went really well, all with the exception of waking up completely naked afterwards, sipping a 7-Up and not knowing where I was. They claimed to have taken the robe off of me because I had gotten wet from the water/laser combo. I call bullshit. I think because of my height, the nurse wanted to check out my man meat. There are probably pictures of my unit hanging all over the urologist office, on the Wall of Awesome that is!!

I was inspired on the night of my birthday, Oct 18, to write this blog and share my experience. The family and I all went out to Yamatos, a favorite hibachi restaurant of ours for a long time. As we were waiting, my dad comes out of the bathroom with an odd look on his face. The bathroom was empty and he had gone to one of the two vacant urinals to do his tinkle. As he finishes up, something in the other urinal catches his eye. He glances over and sees thick, red blood all in the urinal and on the floor underneath it. Needless to say, the blood pisser was nowhere in sight. Hopefully, he had exited the restroom and sought help at the nearest hospital. When I heard his story, like a child, I quickly ran into the bathroom to get a glimpse of this crime scene myself. It was exactly what I thought it was going to be, incredible! I just thought to myself how bad I felt for the poor high school kid who had to clean that shit up, what an awful way to make 7.00 an hour. Well, to the busboy that cleaned the bloody show, the ER nurse who calmed this man down and to this man’s pee pee hole, I hope everything is ok now! Men, hopefully you never have to experience a kidney stone. One thing I can assure you though, it is not close to comparable to a woman giving birth. I have been in the OR for my daughter’s birth and can assure you, I would take another kidney stone over what my wife went through any damn day of the week!

Devil Stones

1 comment:

  1. I am sorry you went through such a painful, and frightening experience. Damn stones!

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