Thursday, October 20, 2011

Bloody urine es no bueno!

Pink Lemonade Anyone?
I have urinated blood before. It had a light pink hue to it, but still concerned the shit out of me. Only positive of the situation was that I had a stabbing sensation in my back that progressively got worse, so I was pretty positive I was dealing with a kidney stone. The biggest concern, besides the blood coming out of my urethra, was that this stone was going to want to make an appearance, which would leave me in the worst pain imaginable. It was somewhat funny at first. I didn’t have my contacts in or my glasses on, but I was pretty sure the toilet water looked like pink lemonade. I came out of the bathroom and informed my wife, while on the way to retrieve my glasses that I was probably going to have to go to the hospital. After further inspection, it was certain; I was making a trip to the ER. I got to the ER and was in pretty agonizing pain, actually I was about a 7 out of 10 on the hospital scale. More discomfort than actual pain at that time. They took me back to a room, and after taking a urine sample, this nice lady came in with her friend Demerol. She loaded me up with a dose of this Heaven juice and I morphed into the happiest son of a bitch on the planet. Long story short, 4 hours later when I got home, I didn’t want to go to bed because I was in such a stellar mood. I see why Demerol was one of the King of Pops favorite hobbies.
Mmm, Demerol!

I did the required check up with the Urologist a week later, he informed me that the very tiny stone that had caused me all the discomfort was passed, but I had a stone in my kidney, just hanging out, and it was 3 times bigger than the one I had just dealt with. Being frightened that this stone would do the same as the other, he lined me up to have a surgical procedure known as Lithotripsy. It’s basically lying on a table and having lasers break the stone up so you can pass it in tiny little fragments. I found out the day before the surgery that I was going to have to be put to sleep, which I was not very excited about. I have had a phobia of anesthesia since I was a little guy. They talked me into it and the procedure went really well, all with the exception of waking up completely naked afterwards, sipping a 7-Up and not knowing where I was. They claimed to have taken the robe off of me because I had gotten wet from the water/laser combo. I call bullshit. I think because of my height, the nurse wanted to check out my man meat. There are probably pictures of my unit hanging all over the urologist office, on the Wall of Awesome that is!!

I was inspired on the night of my birthday, Oct 18, to write this blog and share my experience. The family and I all went out to Yamatos, a favorite hibachi restaurant of ours for a long time. As we were waiting, my dad comes out of the bathroom with an odd look on his face. The bathroom was empty and he had gone to one of the two vacant urinals to do his tinkle. As he finishes up, something in the other urinal catches his eye. He glances over and sees thick, red blood all in the urinal and on the floor underneath it. Needless to say, the blood pisser was nowhere in sight. Hopefully, he had exited the restroom and sought help at the nearest hospital. When I heard his story, like a child, I quickly ran into the bathroom to get a glimpse of this crime scene myself. It was exactly what I thought it was going to be, incredible! I just thought to myself how bad I felt for the poor high school kid who had to clean that shit up, what an awful way to make 7.00 an hour. Well, to the busboy that cleaned the bloody show, the ER nurse who calmed this man down and to this man’s pee pee hole, I hope everything is ok now! Men, hopefully you never have to experience a kidney stone. One thing I can assure you though, it is not close to comparable to a woman giving birth. I have been in the OR for my daughter’s birth and can assure you, I would take another kidney stone over what my wife went through any damn day of the week!

Devil Stones

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Welcome to the World Bubba

Lil' Hulkster
   On this day, back in 1982, a beautiful baby boy was welcomed into the world. He was the cutest baby that the doctors and staff at the hospital had ever seen. Word spread quickly about this young tyke through the halls of the maternity ward, people declaring, “You just have to go see him, he’s heaven sent!” The hospital was flooded by reporters wanting interviews with the mother of this angel child, who they had since dubbed, “Knee High”, due to the fact that he came out wearing knee high basketball socks and all white Chuck Taylors. After a few days of pandemonium, the hospital seemed to calm down and my mother was able to take me (oh! Did I not mention this story was about my birth? Oops!) home.

               I am not going to go into my complete life story, people don’t want to hear it and I personally don’t want to put it out there. I had an amazing childhood, I absolutely could not have asked for a better upbringing. I grew up in a house where I can never recall my parents even having the tiniest of fights and where family was always the most important thing, no matter what. I never wanted for anything, my parents worked their asses off to provide for my brother and me, and for that I will always be thankful. I feel truly blessed that I got the opportunity to grow up in such a loving household, something I try to bring into my home now that I have a family of my own. I have always said if I could be just half the parent that my mom and dad were, then I am doing a pretty fantastic job. To this day, at 29 years old, I feel the same love from and for my parents that I did when I was just a little guy running around with no shoes or socks on, diaper slam full of fun!

               There is not enough time in the day to go into details about my life from the ages of 19-24; those were labeled my “dark days”. I had what some people might consider a little trouble with drinking, which led to bad decisions and strains on my family life. Bottom line, my parents never left my side, no matter what sort of craziness I had gotten myself into, and for that I will always be thankful. They could have easily left me stranded to handle things on my own, but not once did they ever turn their back on me. I mean shit; I would have left me if I could. Enough about those days, the important thing is that I am here, alive and well, able to celebrate my birthday with the people I love most in life.

My Girls :)
               This will be the first birthday that I get to spend with my princess, Gabriella. It means the world to me, even though she has no idea of what a birthday is yet, just her being there will be so memorable. Today, I am able to say that I could not be any happier in life. I have the most loving wife who puts up with my shit on a daily basis, two beautiful children and a family full of people that love me. Mom and Dad, thank you for everything you have done for me in life, I would be nowhere without the love and support you have provided over the years. Cody, I could not ask for a better brother to share life with and watch grow up. You will be so successful one day and I look forward to getting to watch it happen. Your love for my daughter means more than you will ever know. Hope, what can I say, you are my foundation. Without you, I would be completely lost, going nowhere at a rapid pace. Life with you is amazing; I could not imagine a more perfect life than the one we live together. You have blessed me with the most beautiful little girl I have ever laid eyes on, a little mini version of you (that could be trouble J ). I love you more than you will ever know, thank you for all of your support and love that you continue to provide to me every day. I look forward to what the future has in store for us; it will be nothing short of amazing.
My Love
             Almost 30, I better enjoy this last year in my 20’s, I’m getting OLD!

Friday, October 14, 2011

Criminal Swagger

               I had the pleasure of going to court yesterday. This asshole that owes us 9k dollars decided he wanted to plead guilty and get the money he owes us paid back. Well, long story short, this church going criminal decided he wanted a jury trial. The judge notified him that since he has admitted to owing us the money, and even paid 2k of it back, that a jury trial wasn’t the direction he really wanted to go, since ultimately they are going to find him guilty and probably hand down an all-expenses paid trip to the state penitentiary. On top of that, he will have to pay our company the money he owes, so his legal game really needs some help.

               I have become emotionless over the last 3 or 4 years when it comes to my dad, who is also my boss, having to take people to court, send them to jail, take their belongings, or use any other tactics necessary to get us paid. I used to have this soft spot for people and actually felt sorry for them, even those who owed us money to the tune of 80-100k dollars. I’ve seen peoples businesses go under; people lose their home/cars/boats and unfortunately had to hear of two of our customers actually taking their own lives because of their financial situations. Over the years I have become numb to those feelings when it comes to the deadbeats that try and fuck my father over. I don't take it lightly when these situations present themselves. It really is nothing personal (usually), it is strictly all business. My father has a business to run, and I hope one day to follow in his footsteps and possibly run this company myself after he retires (he’s pretty old, I’m thinking next year is my time! I have learned that there is no room for a soft spot in your heart when it comes to dealing with people who will go to any length to completely shit on you. The lies are never ending and the stories they come up with are borderline comical. Either way, we will go to any length necessary to make sure that you learn, you will not fuck us over and go about your business. “I can’t pay my mortgage, my truck got repossessed, I can’t pay my guys”…blah, blah, blah. It all boils down to the old mob mentality “Fuck you, pay me!”. If we felt sorry for every deadbeat story we have heard, we would not exist as a company.  Bottom line is that my father has to provide for his family as well, letting people get away with stealing money from us affects his ability to do so.  That’s why he doesn’t let that happen. People, the man is good at what he does damnit!
                                                                 Quit your bullshit!!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Mr. Inapropiate

Angel Hair Pasta

            First and foremost, I am the undisputed king of random. Stealing a quote from my brother in law, I feel that there are two types of people in this world. People that find me funny and people with no sense of humor what so ever. I always feel sad for a person with no sense of humor. It would be a terrible way to go through life, all serious and uptight. Laughter is truly a beautiful thing.

Donkey Butt!
            I’m right around 98% sure that there are quite a few people out there that find my sense of humor completely fucked up. I was blessed with my father’s sense of humor, which I wouldn’t have any other way. A longtime family friend told me the other day, in reference to a status I had posted on Facebook, “You know Bubba, the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree!”. I took that as a huge compliment. My father has always been known for his crazy sense of humor, so for me to be able to follow in his tracks and keep the funny alive is a great feat. My wife appreciates my sense of humor, not many women could deal with me on a full time basis. I love it about her, that she simply “gets me” and appreciates my borderline inappropriate, sometimes offensive remarks. Nothing I say or write, whether in a blog, on Facebook or on Twitter is ever meant to hurt anybody’s feelings. I have a giant heart and could quite possibly be one of the most sensitive men on the planet. Frankly, I just don’t really bite my tongue when it comes to something I feel like commenting on. I tend to take things right to the edge of appropriate, and instead of toeing the line, I go ahead and step right over it. I would never in a million years mean to hurt anyone’s feelings. I would be highly upset with myself if a comment or statement of mine did so. I am more in for that shock value, saying things people think, but don’t have the guts to say themselves. As stated in the classic early 90’s jam “Donkey Butt”, there ain’t no shame in my game. I want people to read my writing and get a good laugh out of it. I get somewhat of a high when people that I have never met, but have read my blog, tell me that they find my posts completely hilarious. We all have days where we could use a good laugh, and I intend to try and provide those laughs for as long as I possibly can (basically until my princess gets old enough to I guess after that, I will have to go incognito and write under an alias of some sort. Maybe I will go by White Thunder? Who knows, I have a few years to come up with that one.

 Stephen Epton

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Favorite Movie Quotes : Vol 1

Some of my favorite movie quotes : Vol. 1

“Big gulps eh!” - Lloyd Christmas (Dumb & Dumber)

“Do I look like a bitch?...Then why you try to fuck me like a bitch?” - Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction)

“As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a gangster.” - Henry Hill (Goodfellas)

“That ain't a boy! Its a tiny little MAN!!! And hes got knives!!” - Ken Hutchinson (Starsky & Hutch)

“Yea Harry, what if they had shot you in the face?” - Lloyd Christmas (Dumb & Dumber)

“That was just a chance we were willing to take.” - Cop in reference to above (Dumb & Dumber)

“Did you carve up any ice....with your weiner??” - Chazz Michael Michaels (Blades of Glory)

“In my dreams your blowin me......kisses!” - Dewey Cox (Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story)

"We are talkin' alot of corn dogs!" - Jackie Moon (Semi-Pro)  

 "Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, as far back as I can remember, I've never  fornicated anybody!"  - Willie (Bad Santa)

"This is Grade A 100% pure Colombian cocaine, ladies and gentlemen... Disco shit... Pure as the driven snow." - George Jung (Blow)

"Well, who the fuck is going to blow the donkey?" - Jay (Clerks 2)

 "So Eddie, you been crushin' any pussy lately?" - Jerry Stiller..Doc (The Heartbreak Kid)

This is a very short list of some of my all time memorable movie quotes. I will keep adding to the collection when I am in the mood. I have a huge passion for movies, especially ones that make me laugh. If you don't laugh at a few of these quotes, then unfortunately we don't share the same twisted sense of humor. I'm sorry. For you.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Kissing Strippers On The Mouth

How Could One Resist?
  I have a new found love for Oreo Cakesters. These delicious little snack cakes rank right on top of my list of all time most delectable treats. I find myself usually eyeing them down after a round of golf, as we make the pit stop in the gas station to get something to snack on for the car ride home. Do I get one pack, or two? Three cakesters, or six? Why does life have to be so full of tough decisions? Now, every once in a while the decision is made for me, when I see that glorious advertisement "Two for $3.00"! Go ahead and stick a fork in me, IM DONE!

This brings me to my topic. Men fall victim to this atrocious happening every night. Myrtle Beach is known for quite a few things. First thing, golf. Secondly, the wide variety of "shoe shows" along the vast metropolis that is Horry County. 14.6 million visitors flock to Myrtle Beach every year, 14.5 million of them will enter a strip club. Its a fact, I read it on Wikipedia. Here is the situation. You are down visiting the Grand Strand with some buddies on a golf outing. You have been on the golf course all day, sticking to a strict diet of Coors Light and Three Musketeers. You wrap up the horrendous round of golf and go back to the condo to "powder up". After happy hour at a waterfront locale, you make the move to one of Myrtle Beach's many skanky stripper dwellings. Pour Some Sugar On Me is vibrating through the speakers, the lint on your favorite polo is shining from the black light and Anastasia has cuddled up in your lap for the last few songs, trying to talk you into a more "private" setting for the two of you to get to know each other. That 11th kamikaze shot has talked you into giving in, your heading to the Champagne Room baby! Two hundred dollars later, your thinking this girl really does like you. For some reason, yet to be found out, you desire to take the relationship to another level. R. Kellys "Bump N Grind" comes on and you just feel it in your..............heart, that its time to make that move. "I don't see nothing wroooong, with a little bump n gri..." BAM, you kiss her on the mouth! Thoughts go thru your head at a rapid pace! "What the hell was I thinking", "Is that going to cost me more money", "Are they going to make me leave now?". In all reality, and I know its just because of the alcohol, you should really be thinking, "Why in God's name did I just kiss this petri dish full of bacteria and semen?" Yes, semen! Sexual acts do occur in the champagne room, from what I am told by a group of now distant researchers. You will wake up the next morning, smelling like cocoa butter and cigarettes, and for your entire trip home, you will completely hate yourself. Not because you spent your kids college money on Beaver Bucks and cheap champagne, but because you broke one of the many cardinal rules of Strip Clubbery. Never, under any circumstance, swap any sort of fluids with a "lady of the night"! I have come to this conclusion, its more ok to kiss your sister on the mouth, than it is to kiss a stripper on the mouth. Bottom line! Below is an example of why you do not want to kiss anyone but your wife on the mouth, I'm sorry!

Don't Let This Be You!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Tough act to follow!

 There are people with talent, then there are superstars. These two jeopardy champions, without a doubt, fall directly into the superstar category. This isn't really a blog, just a web gem I ran across years ago and thought of tonight in the shower for some reason. Any who, enjoy the wonderfulness that is foreign TV.